Petrified....

Petrified: so frightened as to be unable to move; stunned or paralyzed with terror; "petrified with fear"; to be numb or paralyzed with astonishment, horror, or other strong emotion:

I was petrified. I lived it every day of my life. It was the only emotion that I could identify. It is the only emotion I was truly comfortable with. It was always there, always with me. It became part of my fabric from a very young age – 4 or 5 maybe. I was petrified of my mother and father. Petrified to be alone. Petrified of the dark. Petrified that there would be a fire in the house and no one would come and get me. My fear was always lurking around a corner, in the shadows, under the covers, in the form of people, and worst of all, in a lack of trust. I trusted nothing or no one.

As a child I never had occasion to trust. It wasn’t something that I knew how to do. I never even trusted my feelings - a classic case of attachment disorder. To me the world was an unsafe place and I never believed that I would be taken care of, protected. I began counting on myself for survival in whatever form that took. I was petrified. In my house, they ruled by fear, they ruled by intimidation, and they ruled by guilt. These are the life lessons I learned. This is my foundation – fear, intimidation, and guilt.

This is not a story about survival, but about love and redemption. I know now that just about anyone can survive with decent therapy and some good medication. But living, that’s not so easy. Most of us can survive our lives, but to really live…I suspect that’s a much harder task.