I never knew what this word meant. I lived it everyday of my life, but I never truly knew what it meant until I read the definition. Then it hit me this WAS the only emotion I was really comfortable with. I mean truly comfortable. It was always there, always with me. It was always there, always lurking around a corner, in the shadows, under the covers, in the form of people and worst of all in trust. I wish I learned to trust at an early age, I really wish I did. I wish it came easy. I wish it was like breathing, you just do it without thinking about it. As children we were never taught this. Maybe I expected too much. My parents never taught us our prayers, never taught us to brush our teeth, never studied with us, how could I expect them to teach us how to feel safe and secure. I was asking way too much from too people that just didn't have the tools. Being PETRIFIED was much easier for them to teach us. It was easy for them. Rule by fear. Rule by intimidation. Rule by guilt. These were the lessons we learned. I say now I didn't have the "foundation" and I didn't. I did the best I could with what I had. The sad part is it wasn't good enough for Me or My loved ones.
But it WAS good enough. You got through it and you've now become the person that you needed growing up. You've become that person for YOUR kids and for YOUR love ones. You stopped the cycle of abuse for good.
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