OK this week has been a little strange....First I watched Oprah (yes I watch Oprah...matter of fact I enjoy Oprah very much and who knows someday maybe I will be on Oprah).... and the topic was child sexual abuse and child pornography....I have been struggling with whether to talk about this topic or not....and then on top of seeing it on Oprah I read a couple of articles involving sexual abuse towards children....the first one was about a lady who drugged and raped an eight year old....then a man who was caught with videos of himself having sex with a 10 month old (and his girlfriend videotaped him) and then a woman who was a prostitute and she turned tricks while her 7-year old son was watching her....well I believe in signs and I believe this was the universe telling me "ok let's talk about it"....I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED....there it is I said it....it has been hard and I have only told a handful of people, but now I guess much more will know....it was humiliating, it was shameful, it hurt and yeah it was confusing....It happened to me by two, maybe three (I was very young hard to remember) different family members and I will spare everyone the details for now....but it was hard growing up with this "BURDEN"....that was given to me and believe me I didn't ask for it....I struggled with the obvious questions to myself....why me....what did I do wrong....was it my fault....but the big one I struggled with was....Is this how people who are suppose to love you express their love for you?....for the longest time I thought if these important people in my life treated me like this then nobody could love me....how could these people who supposedly loved me and where there to protect me treat me like this....they are suppose to love me and obviously they don't so nobody will love me....it was hard and believe me a very long road to get me to where I am today....but I can finally say I FEEL love....honest to goodness heartfelt, unconditional love and the even more important I learned how to give that love back and that is what I treasure the most....I learned to trust people and trust myself and I think that was the most important thing taken from me...like I said it was a long, hard road, but I am glad I finally go there....
TWTTIN
TWTTIN
I hope you know the answers to the questions you ask. You did NOTHING wrong. You were just a little girl, being a little girl. It was NOT your fault. The blame belongs entirely on your abusers. And no, that is know how people express love for a child. They exploited you and your innocence. I'm glad you've been able to overcome the feeling of being unlovable and are learning to trust again. It sounds like you have come a long way in your healing journey. Best wishes for more healing.
ReplyDeletenomorehurt
And this is the true crime. Not the act that happened years ago but the mental terrorism that the act creates down the road. Much like political terrorism, which is horrendous, the the fact that every time I see a low flying plane I am reminded of what happened on 9/11.
ReplyDeleteLike the previous poster mentions (not about being a little girl) you did NOTHING wrong. This was done to you. You had no choice in the matter and there was NOTHING you could have done to stop it. At that age you have no idea what is going on. You want to make sure that you're loved ones love you no matter what. The people who take advantage of this unconditional love are sick people.
Thanks to both of you for your comments....I know that now I just didn't know it back then....
ReplyDeleteTWTTIN
You just took a BIG step. You should feel very good about that.
ReplyDeleteI'm a child sexual abuse survivor, too. I feel your pain.