I look back on it now and growing up pretty much sucked. Sure there were some good times, when my cousins would come down to visit, or we would have garage parties at my grandmother’s, but for the most part I don’t know how I grew up. I had no guidance, no support, and no direction. The foundation of my life was built just like I learned how to swim. I got thrown off the deck and was told to swim or drown. Now my parents did a lot to put up the façade. We were the modern day version of the Brady Bunch. The perfect blended family. I remember my father saying"There are no steps in this house." I might have believed him if he didn't throw me down those steps. We were sent to a good school and we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back, but believe me when I tell you that is where the comparisons stopped.
Why are some people picked to carry burdens and some are not? I think at one point in time everyone asks themselves this question. Why did I get that ticket? Why does all bad shit happen to me? Why doesn’t anything go right for me? Why does God hate me so much? What did I ever do wrong to deserve this? Do you really think you did something so wrong that you deserve to get something done back to you? Does that make it right? I guess in my thinking it did.
I know I’ve asked myself a thousand times, WHY ME? Why me God? What did I do to deserve this? Do you hate me that much? God what did I do wrong to have you treat me like this? I laugh sometimes now because I think I really believed God came down here and made those people abuse me. I guess that was the answer I was looking for. I needed that for some reason it made perfect sense to me. I must have been bad somewhere some how to have all this shit happen to me. You know, why not me am I so much better than someone else that I can’t be abused. Shame on me for being so arrogant.
Only recently have I been asking myself why God put me through this, but in a different context. Not the self- loathing, Oh God why me pity, sympathy way. I’m starting look at it like God you put me though this for a reason. What is the reason? Why am I still alive? To tell you the truth I never thought I would make it this far. He has to have a bigger, better plan for me. I have to be here for a reason.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Why Me....
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Without getting too religious...I believe that the obstacles we face in life and the experiences that we have placed in front of us are all done for a reason. God has a purpose for each of us...and the experiences and obstacles that you've faced have been placed in front of you for a reason.
ReplyDeleteYou would have to admit that upbringing you had has dramatically affected how you raise your kids. And that will affect how your kids raise their kids. And so on. The crap that you went through may have been placed in front of you to help shape your children's kids.
It goes back to the thought that everything happens to us for a reason. What lessons we take from these experiences will shape who we are and how we act. Too many people go through life thinking that their actions don't influence others. They are wrong. Everything we do carries meaning. From the way to great the doorman to how you interact with your employees during the day.
In my opinion, you went through this crap because God knew you could handle it. Maybe it was your love of sports that allowed to put up with the beating and abuse. Maybe that characteristic was already inside you. Whatever the case may be, you were selected for a reason. Your last paragraph is key. To look back with a "poor me" attitude would be to assume that your life has no purpose; that you were randomly selected to be put through this punishment. Alternatively, you could believe that your life has significant purpose. That you have and will continue to influence the people around you to make them better people. Life Peter Parker...with great power comes great responsibility. Good luck spidey!
It's an interesting switch in perspective. It's one I've gone through recently, although I've not written about it.
ReplyDeleteI applaud your work. It's a hard path to walk.
*hugs*
OK...yes I have looked at that perspective, but just recently. Believe me when your a young kid and your getting beat and abused constantly you really can't think that God is doing this because he thinks I can handle it. Yes without getting to religious..Jesus suffered and was tortured because his fathe thought he could handle it. Now I'm not claiming to be Jesus or to even know what he was thinking, but I have to believe at some point he was saying "stop" and "why me". Ok I'm done with the religious aspect. Yes it was tough, yes it was baffling and confusing, but your right I have finally relized "why me" doensn't do anyone any good. I hope these stories and my experiences can help at least one person. That is my goal and my purpose. It is funny that you ended your comment with the Spiderman reference, because a wise person once said to me "Use your powers for good and not evil." Well that is what I try to do, but sometimes my cape gets caught.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, thanks for commenting and look forward to hearing from you.
TWTTIN....